His Hand

When in the darkness of life,
I cry out to Him.

I beg for wisdom,
for guidance,
for discernment.
I moan for relief,
for light,
for freedom.
I search for hope,
for purpose,
for meaning.



As we were in Corban's pediatrician's office for the ump-teenth time the summer of 2012, and Corban was wasting away and in terrible pain, I prayed for supernatural knowledge for the doctor so that we could help Corban. It didn't happen. God did not tell the doctor what was going on.

The Lord's hand did not move to answer my cry.


As I was holding Corban as he threw up blood, I pleaded with the Lord to heal him, to allow me to have Corban's pain. But no healing came. Corban was still in pain.

The Lord's hand did not move to answer my cry.

As they were trying for the second, excruciating time to get Corban's IV inserted, I prayed that it would be a quick success. I asked the Lord why He could possibly need to allow more pain for Corban. The IV didn't work.

The Lord's hand did not move to answer my cry.


After Corban got his NG tube and they were doing an x-ray of his belly to make sure it was placed correctly, I prayed that it would be in the right place so that they would not need to mess with it anymore and cause even more pain and trauma. It was not. They had to move it.

The Lord's hand did not move to answer my cry.


With David in the Psalms, I cried out, "How long, O Lord, how long?"

I did not receive an answer.

---

Obviously, God's ways are beyond me.

In those moments of disappointment I felt betrayed. I felt abandoned. I felt like He was being cruel.
I felt lost. I felt like I had no idea who my God was.

And that was the crux of it.
I did not know the God I was interacting with, and I did not understand His ways.

---

But over these last months and years, I have learned something.

I have learned that while He does not always remove or prevent pain, He does use the pain and guide us on the paths of His incredible best for us.

And those paths often include pain.

In the middle of excruciating pain of spirit or body or mind, it is difficult to reconcile that this is being allowed by Him and that somehow He is working it for our best.

But He is.

And every so often He gives me a glimpse of "the best" that He is working.
And that gives me just enough hope to weather the next painful season.

My God is not capricious. My God is not cruel. My God does not rejoice in evil. My God is not a god of darkness. My God is not far-off. My God is not frivolous. My God does not tease.

He is kind.
He is loving.
He is good.
He is light.
He is here.
He is involved.
He is in control.
He is sincere.
He is restoring.
He is redeeming.

This is my God.

When He does not move the way I had hoped, I lift my eyes. I ask for the eyes to see the beauty and redemption of the plan He is unfolding. And I ask for the grace and strength to embrace His ways over my own.



I ask for the grace and strength to embrace His ways over my own.



And I ask again and again until I can walk with a submissive spirit the path He has laid out.