Not Good Enough

Keep your eyes on the Lord!

You will shine like the sun and never blush with shame.

Psalm 34:5

This verse has always gripped me, as I have always felt insufficient, like a failure in some area,  not good enough, not pretty enough, not competent enough, and on and on and on.

Because my constant companion has been these feelings of "not enough," shame has always been my constant companion, as well. I have needed to hide my insufficiencies so that no one would see them and shame me because of them.  

Blech.


This has led to some serious, constant, exhausting running-dancing-tapping-jumping to keep everyone from seeing all that is true about me -- that I actually am not "good enough" or "smart enough" or "pretty enough" to win the race of life. I am a failure in so very many ways. And what a relief it is to admit!

This last week, I read Isaiah 50:6-7. Again, I was gripped in a similar way as I have been gripped by Psalm 34:5. This passage, also, speaks of not being ashamed. It is a prophetic passage in which Isaiah is speaking for Jesus, and Jesus says this:

"I gave my back to those who strike Me,
And my cheeks to those who pluck out the beard:
I did not cover My face from humiliation and spitting.
For the Lord helps Me,
Therefore, I am not disgraced:
Therefore, I have set My face like flint,
And I know that I will not be ashamed."

Now, if anyone experienced true shaming, it was Christ. He was beaten, called a blasphemer, spat upon, His clothing stripped from Him, His beard (a symbol of manhood) ripped out . . . and yet He was not ashamed, not disgraced.

I have been thinking on this, asking the Lord for how this could be true. Not disgraced? Of course He was! Not ashamed? He well should have been. But these verses say that He was neither.

The reason He was not:

He knew who He was,
               Whose He was, and
                          what He was here to do.

(I use past tense, though He lives, as reference to His time here on earth.)

So, is the answer that easy for me? To know who I am, Whose I am, and what I'm here to do? If I know these things, will the shame, the guilt, the "you're not good enough" that others paint me with (and I paint myself with) -- with these seriously not stick to me?!?!

The short answer is "yes," but Psalm 34 gave a pretty clear and all-consuming prerequisite for this to sink into my heart from my head.

My eyes have to be on Him.

I can't just know in my head that "Jesus loves me" and that I'm His daughter and that I'm here to love Him and others more and more fully. THAT won't cut it. Head knowledge is usesless in matters of the heart, and my heart won't believe what it hasn't experienced. I have to experience this love He has for me. I have to taste His delight. Have to sense His pride that I'm His daughter.

I have to keep my eyes constantly on Him so that all that I'm hearing is His voice and not the voice of self-condemnation and the voices of the condemnation of others.

When Isaiah (and Luke in Luke 9:51) spoke of Jesus having His face set "like flint" -- this was a one-focus, nothing-interfering heartbeat and mindset.

In order to not let the "not good enough"s of the world stick to me, I have to only be hearing one voice -- His. The rest will not phase me as I listen only to Him.

Easy? No.
Worth crying out to Him for? Absolutely.

So, I pray. I cry out for Him to enable me to hear only His voice. It is certainly a life-long process, and some days are better than others. But He is answering. As I soak in Him, His presence, His truth, He is answering my heart's cry.


~~~~~~~~~


These are some of the truths I love to soak in:

My darling, you are lovely in every way.
Song of Solomon 4:7

You will also be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem in the hand of your God. It will no longer be said of you, "Forsaken" . . . But you will be called, "My delight is in her" . . . For the Lord delights in you . . . For as a young man marries a virgin . . .and as the bridegoom rejoices over the bride, So your God will rejoice over you.
Isaiah 62:3-5

The Lord appeared to him from afar, saying, "I have loved you with an everlasting love, Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness."
Jeremiah 31:3

The Lord your God wins victory after victory and is always with you. He celebrates and sings because of you, and he will refresh your life with his love."
Zephaniah 3:17

I, the Lord, will build a fence of thorns to block her path.
She will run after her lovers, but not catch them: she will search but not find them. Then she will say, "I'll return to my first husband. Life was better then."
I, the Lord, will lure you into the desert and speak gently to you.
Hosea 2:6-7,14

I am sure that nothing can separate us from God's love -- not life or death, not angels or spirits, not the present or the future, and not powers above or powers below. Nothing in all creation can separate us from God's love for us in Christ Jesus our Lord!
Romans 8:38-39

May your heart come awake to the One voice that speaks gently and lovingly all the time.

Feeling Abandoned

But I said, "The Lord has forsaken me, and the Lord has forgotten me."
Isaiah 49:14

These words were first spoken by Isaiah for the people of Israel who were feeling completely forsaken by the Lord during their exile in Babylon. They had been conquered and carried away and were feeling like the Lord had completely forgotten that they were His people, that He had promised to protect and guide them and be with them. Valid thoughts by Israel.

And they are my thoughts, too.



I began to ponder when, exactly, it is that I feel most forsaken, most forgotten, most abandoned by God.

Similarly to Israel, my greatest moments of despair are when I have prayed and prayed for something (usually release from some source of pain) and He has not answered my prayer. OR when I have prayed and prayed for something to become a reality, and He has not answered that prayer. In short, I feel abandoned most when He doesn't do things my way and in my time.

Huh.

Looks like Israel and I have much in common. Just as they did not understand that their time of captivity in Babylon was, indeed, for their good, for their health, and for them to have an expanded and corrected view of God, so I do not understand the same things.

When pain comes into my life, I immediately cry foul. Pain cannot coexist with love in my paradigm.

But He is changing that.

I am coming to see that pain not only can exist with love, it must exist with love. Without pain comes no change, no growth, no expanded and corrected view of Him. He is intimate with me in my pain. It is precisely there that He exists.

Far from abandoning me to my pain, He is tenderly present there.

Isaiah 49 goes on to say in the next verses
"Can a woman forget her nursing child and have no compassion on  the son of her womb?
Even these may forget, but I will not forget you.
Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands."

How intimate is the presence of a nursing mother to her baby? The sweet baby is actually drawing life from his mommy at her breast. How could she possibly forget that child? (And anyone who has ever nursed a baby knows that within a few hours, your chest becomes extremely hard and painful if the child does not nurse -- it is physically impossible to forget the child you are nursing!)

But God says, even if that were to be able to happen, even so, I will never forget you. I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands -- and this is no tattoo on His palm (tattoos don't stay on the palm because of the high cellular turnover). This is a literal carving of my name into His palm -- a deep cutting, with blood, to get my name permanently there. He's invested in this journey with me, in this relationship with me. And He's not just in it for today or to get me through my current crisis. He is in this for the long haul -- to my death and then beyond my death into all eternity. His view of our relationship is much greater than mine often is. And each moment holds another revelation of His true Self to me, if I'm willing.

So, when I feel forsaken, abandoned, forgotten, has He forgotten me? No. It is impossible. What has abandoned me is my small view of Him. He has blown apart yet another of my "little gods" that I had inadvertently created. These little gods are ideas about Him (that are not true) that I worship instead of Him, that I hold onto instead of Him, that I use as ammunition against Him in my angry tirades at Him. But they only serve to block me from Him. Therein lies my feeling of abandonment. I have a shield against Him of my own creation. And I feel alone.

When I'm feeling alone, without His presence, what do I do? I pray. I ask Him to reveal the lie that I have believed about Him.
                   If God is truly good, truly loving, will He allow deep pain to touch my life? Yes.
                   If He cares about me, will He refuse to give me some things that I desperately desire? Yes.       
                   If He is present in my life, will He allow things to fall apart? Yes.

Sigh. I don't understand.

So, I ask Him for an expanded and corrected view of Him. I ask Him to show me how He is present to me, to re-frame my current circumstance and pain so that I may see Him accurately. Because He is there. He is as close as my next breath. He cannot forget me or be far off.

But my little gods easily can get blown apart in the face of His true self, His true working, His loving plan that I don't understand. And that is what He's all about -- destroying things which stand between His heart and mine beating as one.

Lord, give me the heart to see you more clearly and to see your true Self amidst my pain. I want to know You, not some smaller, controllable version of you that I have created.

Pain or not, I'm in this for the long haul.

For all eternity.

I'm in.

Undaunted Radiance

"Undaunted radiance is not built on anything passing, but on the love of God that nothing can alter." -Oswald Chambers

I love the phrase "undaunted radiance."


It is nothing at all to do with the facial structure or skin tone.


Undaunted radiance is a fountain of glory springing up from a soul's center that is assured of His complete and total infatuation and delight.

Nothing can diminish  that sort of radiance, so it can stand in the face of heartbreak or monotony undaunted.

Undaunted.

You Are Not Alone

This is the song that He sang to me one night as I wrestled with my past, my fears for the future, my wounds that were aching. For those on a similar journey, may He sing to your heart as well.

You are not alone.

You are not alone.

Though your fears are rising high,

                                                     creeping like the tide,

                                                                                        listen. deep inside.

                                                                                                                    for it is there I reside.

You are not alone.

You are not alone.

When the darkness is so deep, I know that you can’t see

                                                                                       the light that is Me.

                                                       Just rest and be.

You are not alone.

You are not alone.

I am not afraid of the mess.                                        I am not afraid of the pain.

You are never too much.                                            I am not afraid of your rage.

                                                          Pour it out on me.

For when it’s out, you can see

                                        that the Hope, the Life, the Light you need

Is Me

Is Me

Is Me

You are not alone.

You are not alone.

What Made My Heart Happy from the 2011 Oscars

While not an incredibly remarkable Oscar year, I would have to say that it left me as satisfied as a meal a McDonald's -- no longer hungry, but wishing I had something better.

My favorite looks were from Marchesa, Vera Wang, and Vivienne Westwood.

I'll start with sweet Hailee Steinfeld. While not a fan of her performance in True Grit, the little girl in me loved her dress (not so much the shoes, though. A fourteen-year-old in five-inch spikes? YIKES! It is a bit like Princess meets Hooker).

I haven't been able to get this dress out of my mind for the last few days, and as I pondered why, I concluded that it was because this dress took me back to one of my earliest fashion memories -- Vera-Ellen in the film White Christmas. I always wanted  a dress like the ones she wore in her first dance scene with Danny Kaye. Sigh  . . .

Hailee somehow got the dress I always wanted as a little girl.

The other gown by Marchesa that I liked was worn by Halle Berry. What I liked about this gown on her was how the color of it highlighted her mocha skin tone. Oh, it makes my heart sing to see how the colors play off each other, the undertone of the dress picking up the tone of her skin. The tulle around the bust adds visual interest without making too much fuss, while the lower layers of tulle hearken back to Old Hollywood style -- but are saved from the unfortunate Marisa Tomei "archival" incident this year by their asymmetrical styling and lack of uniform layering. And, truly, I give a hearty thanks to Halle for dressing her beautiful body with grace and style (as women with far less this year smashed, squeezed and tortured their bodies into dresses that should not have been options. 'nuff said.)

The next dress is not one of my favorite looks, but rather an example of an amazing dress wearing the woman. Sandra Bullock is beautiful, absolutely beautiful, but this Vera Wang wore her this year. Instead of looking like glorious Sandra, she looks like Sandra playing the role of Hollywood Royalty. The shade of red -- instead of complimenting her skin tone -- made it appear pale and ghostly, highlighting her lips in a non-flattering way. She wears the difficulty of her past year with a regal grace and grounded savvy evident in her poise and face. I wish she had found a dress that allowed her to stand regally, instead of her dress.

My last noteworthy selection is from Vivienne Westwood, worn by Helen Mirren. Ms. Mirren makes my heart glow. As so many others in Hollywood botox, sculpt, cream and surgery to delay their inevitable fall, Ms. Mirren has shown that the greatest beauty comes from a life lived in each moment, from acceptance of who you are, from delight in beauty at any age. Every year I look forward to seeing what she selects because she is a woman of class and dignity who dresses her body in a way that expresses her high-view of her own personal worth.

Veiling Beauty

I have been praying, wrestling with how to share with my daughter the honor it is to be a woman, and the grace with which we must carry the beauty that has been given us. The following is the answer my Love gave me.



-------



I had a dream.
In it, I saw the Mona Lisa wrentched from her wall in the Louvre, carried with rough and dirty hands and tossed into an old, beaten up cart, pulled by a filthy, half-starved horse. The cart was filled with dirty hay and flies were swarming around. Bits of manure clung to the hay and the wagon. Into this, the painting was carelessly flung, propped up with some straw behind it.

The driver of the cart whipped the horse, and it lurched forward. He traveled aimlessly up and down the streets of Paris pulling this priceless treasure. I could see that manure had somewhow gotten smeared on the canvas. I felt sick. What is going on?

As the cart passed through the streets, I could hear clueless people with untrained eyes commenting on the painting.

“What an ugly picture!”

“Look how long her nose is!”
“Ha! Her forehead is too large!”

One group of teenagers threw their sodas at the painting as it passed, soaking it with sticky liquid. The flies that had been buzzing around the straw and manure now landed on the painting and began to feast.

My heart began to squeeze tightly in my chest, and my throat was so constricted as I watched this that I could hardly breathe. Don’t these people realize what this is? What are they doing? This painting is irreplaceable! It’s priceless! Even if Leonardo da Vinci were still alive, he could never duplicate this work! This is not how you treat a great work of art! I groaned as I hung my head in despair.

Back before time, when my Love was creating, He planned to create two separate beings that would present a complete picture of Himself to the world. He created Adam first and then pronounced him “alone.” In Himself, my Love is never alone, but Adam was incomplete without Eve. Woman, when she was created, was not an addendum to creation, but a completion of it. Man was to be a picture of my Love’s strength, His might, His provision, His protection. Woman was to be a picture of His grace, His beauty, His tenderness, His care. My Love is neither male nor female, but he used both genders to create a complete picture of Who He is.

As the carriers of His beauty, we, as woman, have been demonized and victimized. Our beauty has been abused and misused. It has been undervalued and taken out of context. And what has been the church’s response? It has been to tell us to “dress modestly” and cover ourselves so that we don’t make men stumble into lust.

There are two problems I see with this party line that we have been fed by well-intending church members. The first problem is that this solution says that men are sexual beings with no control over their thoughts or actions. This paints men in a bad light, and it does not give them any credit for their ability to make wise and godly choices. The second problem that I see with this solution is that it paints women’s bodies to be temples of temptation and seduction. Again, this paints women in a bad light. Is that truly what our bodies are – temples of temptation and seduction?

Here’s how my Love reframed this for me --

When Moses came down from Mt. Sinai after spending time with the Lord, the Bible says that his face “shone” (Ex 34:35). Being in the presence of God made Moses radiant. Because of this radiance, Moses wore a veil over his face whenever he was not in the presence of God. Moses’ veil was not a covering for something shameful and sinful. Moses’ veil was to cover the radiance of God that dwelt on Him, for that radiance was not something that could be easily viewed by the common man – they neither understood nor appreciated it.

In a similar way, our beauty – the beauty of the female form – is a revelation of God and His beauty to the world.  While the male form is strong and powerful, it lacks the graceful curves of the female form that give it the right to be called “beautiful.” Every woman, no matter the size of her breasts or her hips, bears the graceful beauty of God in her form.

It is exactly this beauty that must be veiled. It is not intended for mass display. A work of art is housed and protected so that only the appreciative and loving eye can behold it. Our bodies are works of art – from the hands of a Master Sculptor. Each design is unique and beautiful, and each can never be replaced or duplicated.

But in so many ways we have allowed our bodies to become degraded and undervalued. Failing to see their worth, ourselves, we have put them on display and paraded them about. They have been critiqued by the masses, and we have accepted the critiques. They have been figuratively spat upon and dirtied, and we have accepted that, for we don’t understand their value and worth. We have been the driver of the cart, parading our priceless treasure around in filth for all to see and comment upon.

Oh, this is not how it should be! The beauty of our form has great value and worth! It is unique and priceless, and as such it should be veiled – out of honor and respect for the treasure that it is. The beauty of our form is to be reserved for one man – the one that God has deemed worthy to see and appreciate it, the one that has committed to us for life. Only he has the eye that can appreciate the artwork before him.

Our bodies are not commodities to be used and traded. They are not our possessions to do with as we like. They are unique expressions of God’s beauty to this world, and as such they are worthy of great honor and respect.

My prayer has become that He would redeem the glory of my form, and eventually my daughter's form, from the back of the filthy wagon. May I allow Him to continue to restore my body to its original condition and place. May I allow Him to bring worth back to it . . . and may I then veil it beautifully so that it may retain its worth.

Top 10 Oscar Looks

As I prepare for my personal Superbowl (the Oscars), I have spent considerable time thinking about why the Academy Awards are such a highlight to my year. The answer for me lies in the fact that, in America,  Hollywood represents our royalty. (The sadness of that statement can be saved for another blog, but the truth remains.) As the grand ball of our royalty, I expect an amount of class and beauty to be present in the attire of the court at the Oscars. I believe it should whisper of elegance and grace.

So, the hours pouring over gowns from ages past over the last week have birthed the following - my current top 10 favorite looks from the years past.


#10
Anne Hathaway in Georgio Armani,  2009
A newbie to the Oscars, she carried herself with grace and poise. The gown lays beautifully on her lithe frame while the shimmer,dark hair, and red lips bespeak elegance.

#9
Jessica Alba in Versace, 2006
Draped in gold, her skin just glows. Minimal jewelery and soft, piled curls complete her look as she sweeps across the red carpet.

#8
Sophia Loren, 1963
Ah, my heart breaks with the grace and beauty of this woman. She has been the epitome of class and exotic charm (with a hearty dash of sex-appeal) for half a century. Many are compared to her, but she is the original. The feathered collar, the upswept hair, the jeweled belt and small earrings . . . She presents as royalty.

#7
Penelope Cruz in Donna Karen, 2008
While this is quite a bit of dress, Penelope carries it off as no one (since Sophia Loren, really) but she possibly could. Her dark skin and dark hair warm the entire look, while the drop earrings and jeweled cuff sparkle on the dark canvas of the dress and her gorgeous skin. The dress wraps her in its regal red, sweeping up toward her face and highlighting her creamy chest, neck, and arms.

#6
Marissa Tomei in Versace, 2009
I could just stare and stare at this dress! It is absolutely amazing, full of lines and pleats and intricate folds. The silver color highlights the details of the dress, while not making it too overwhelming of a statement. Her unstructured hair and subtle jewelery are the perfect compliment to such a highly structured dress.

#5
Renee Zellweger in Carolina Herrera, 2004
I truly prefer Renee with this body shape/size, and this dress highlights her curves beautifully. The shade is a perfect pearl color that warms her skin, and her feminine jewelery add the right touch without overwhelming the look. The red lips, lined eyes, and darkened eyebrows enable her face to tastefully stand out, instead of being washed out with the white of the dress.

#4
Charlize Theron in Vera Wang, 2000
Another dress that I could just gaze and gaze at, this Vera Wang adds curves to Charlize's boyish frame. The halter neckline -- and especially the ruching in the back -- swings the eye in luscious lines while accentuating her broad shoulders and slender back. The pin-tucked hair tops the look in 1920's style.

#3
Grace Kelly in Edith Head, 1955
Grace Kelly is iconic, in and of herself, but so is her designer, Edith Head, and my list would not be complete without the mention of them both. Edith Head designed for both Grace Kelly as well as Audrey Hepburn for movie such as Rear Window, Sabrina, and Roman Holiday. Her looks, as much as her two leading ladies, bespeak class and royalty. This dress in its ice-blue sweeps around Kelly's frame and highlights her blond hair magnificently -- royalty in life as well as in Hollywood.

 #2
Diane Lane in Oscar de la Renta, 2003
I'm not quite sure how Diane Lane ended up as #2 (ahead of Grace Kelly!!). All I can say is that I am captivated by her in this gown. She is no longer part of the "young and sexy" class of Hollywood, but she has graduated to something far better. The golden fabric swaths her chest and creates enough mystery to draw our eye, but covers enough to encourage imagination. (Sexy is what is not seen.) The flowing feathers of the bottom half enable her to float over the carpet. Her softly structured hair seems the only reality in this ethereal vision.

#1
Kate Hudson in Versace, 2003
I don't know what else to say about this gown that hasn't already been said . . . the delicacy of the lace, the soft flow of the folds, the shimmer of her hair and the glow of her skin . . . sigh. Love this look. Hollywood royalty at its best.